I did not make her wait.I found her in vestito di confidenza, in an undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which Iwill not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well.I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk network ornamented with rose-colored pompons.This, in my eyes, much enlivened a beautiful complexion.I afterwards found it to be the mode at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never been introduced in France.I had no idea of the transports which awaited me.I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the remembrance of her still sometimes gives me;but how old, ugly and cold she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you will be far too short of truth.Young virgins in cloisters are not so fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of paradise less engaging.Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the heart and senses of a mortal.Ah!
had I at least been capable of fully tasting of it for a single moment!- I had tasted of it, but without a charm.I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will.No; Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment.She has infused into my wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which she first placed in my heart.
If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is that which I am going to relate.The forcible manner in which Iat this moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it.Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully acquainted with J.J.Rousseau.
I entered the room of a courtesan as if it had been the sanctuary of love and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity.Ishould have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience.Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of them, to gather it beforehand.Suddenly, instead of the flame which consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child.
Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection;she is as good and generous as she is amiable and beautiful.Yet she is a miserable prostitute, abandoned to the public.The captain of a merchantship disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be acquainted, can be to her no inducement.In this there is something inconceivable.Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed.I endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be apprehended, might possibly have some influence.The clearness of her skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me this idea, that still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair of the padoana, I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion.These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me shed tears.Zulietta, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck speechless for a moment.But having made a turn in her chamber, and passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened.It was not difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness.
But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a man, I perceived she had a withered teton.I struck my forehead: I examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the other.I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster, the refuse of nature, of men and of love.I carried my stupidity so far as to speak to her of the discovery I had made.She, at first, took what I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which made me die of love.
But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and, without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window.I attempted to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, lascia le donne, e studia la matematica."** Leave women, and study the mathematics.
